I'm Here
by TheShhTiger
Summary: Prompt - Write a story in which the narrator slowly falls in love with the reader.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi there! Um... I don't know how to do this... Well, I'm the original author of this fic. TMTMFD was kind enough to post it under her account (Thank you~) and so um. Yeah. Hi. Enjoy~_

Playlist-

Cheryl Cole - Promise This

Eyes Set To Kill - Come Home

Adam Lambert - Sleepwalker

Skrillex Ft. Ellie Goulding - Summit

Metro Station - Where's My Angel

Adam Lambert - Mad World

Adam Lambert - Underneath

Scary Kids, Scaring Kids - Watch Me Bleed

Camila - Besame

The Script, Featuring Will. I . Am - Hall of Fame

The Saturdays - Ego

Wisin y Yandel - Te Siento

Owl City - Tidal Wave

**Disclaimer:** This is a fanfiction. I do not own anything here but the plot. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare and all song lyrics belong to their respective owners.

**WARNING**: This fic contains mentions of suicide, bullying, abuse and various methods of self harm. If this bothers you then please turn back now!

* * *

**...I'm Here**

**.**

_Prompt:_ _Write a story in which the narrator slowly falls in love with the reader._

.

**I'm Here...**

* * *

You know, I'm not even an interesting looking book. In fact, I'm willing to bet that most of you would see me on the shelf and move on to brighter books, with intricate patterns carved in them, dyed with exotic colors. Me? I'm worn and torn, dirty and yellow-paged. I'm crinkly with water stains and my cover's just plain black leather.

Boring.

Unnoticed.

I am... Just there.

Waiting, and hoping. Every time someone picks me up, and flips through my pages, I feel a bit of hope - Just a dash.

But all the same, it's crushed with a simple flick of the wrist- My pages shut once more and I am placed back on the shelf, surrounded by others so much more brighter than me.

I wonder if I'll ever get my chance to be free again.

How much longer do you think I'll have to wait?

I wonder...

~xXxXxXxXx~

By now, I no longer even notice when people pick me up, or flip me open. I just... I just don't _care_ anymore. No words fill my pages, my binding's not worn and my cover's not tattered.

I am, in a sense, untouched.

And that also means unloved.

Unwanted.

~xXxXxXxXx~

It's happened! Today, finally, I was picked.

You know, we can all feel when there's a buyer in the stands. They hover over us, their hands soft and caring, their touches lingering.

They treat us like we're special, and sometimes we can feel their disappointment when another voice orders them to put us down.

But occasionally, the pair of hands comes by once more and picks one of us off the shelf, back again.

Today, I felt that type of magic.

I was picked!

Me, the ugly, boring notebook with stiffened paper and worn leather.

Today, I got to feel that special feeling - Someone _wanted_ me. Someone paid money for me.

I just hope that they actually use me.

~xXxXxXxXx~

_November 7th, 2012_

_You know, I bought this notebook so that I could finally talk to someone. So I guess you'll be my new friend._

_I guess I'll introduce myself to you now. H_

_ello. My name is Alexander (Alec) Lightwood. I'm 17 years old. And I hate life._

I was shocked to feel teardrops hit my pages, to hear muffled gasps and sobs.

_I'm lonely... So lonely. And tired. And numb._

_I... I just am._

Pity flooded through me, and more than anything I wanted to let this boy know that I was here.

Obviously, I couldn't but the thought was still there.

_But anyways._

I love this Alec's handwriting. He has an artist's handwriting, slanted and flowy, and absolutely wonderful to look at.

_Goodnight for now, I guess.. . ._

_-Alexander_

Quite honestly, my curiosity has been sparked. I do hope that he'll continue to write in here...

And I wonder if I'll ever gather the courage to talk to him.

~xXxXxXxXx~

At first, words are not what Alexander puts in my pages. They were drawings of... Everything, really. Random doodles and elegant scribbles, exotic letters and faint numbers. Faces and birds, flowers and shadows - Alexander drew it all. It was fascinating - And I felt treasured. He handled me gently, taking care of my old pages and worn binding.

But back to my original point - It took Alec a while to write actual words after his first introduction. And it broke my little papery heart, too.

Just like his art, he has a talent for writing, too. He was simply amazing at manipulating his words into tales and how he felt. It always bothered me how much his writing made me hurt.

He sounded so _sad_. The kind of sad that reaches into you and just tugs on your heart forlornly. The kind of sad that takes forever to leave, the kind of sad that left you staring off into space vacantly. The kind of sad that made you ache everywhere.

The kind of sad that left other people worried.

~xXxXxXxXx~

_November 24th 2012_

_I apologize for leaving you alone. I know I've disappeared for awhile (16 days to be exact). And yeah._

_I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write in here, actually. Maybe tomorrow something will hit me._

~xXxXxXxXx~

_November 25th 2012_

That was all he wrote for a week.

Just the date. Nothing else.

Sometimes a few drops of water would hit my yellowing pages, and once or twice he'd grip me so hard that I could feel my binding crack.

Just who was this boy?

~xXxXxXxXx~

_December 3 2012_

_English Writing Project Due the 5 of May_

_…. I wonder what the fuck I can write about without boring my teacher to death._

_I wonder why I bought you in the first place... I mean, you're a work of art, really. But I don't write. I can't write - It makes me think._

_But now I have to. I have to fill at least one page everyday, or else my jack-ass teacher will fail me._

_I guess I'll start now._

_My name is Alexander Lightwood (You already know that.) and I'm 17 and..._

_What else can I say without repeating myself?_

I don't care if you repeat yourself, is what I wanted to tell him. _Just let everything go now._

_Well, I have a younger sister named Isabelle. She's 16 and she's a force of nature. She loves parties and boys and parties and boys love her._

_If that sentence made any sense._

_I have an adopted brother by the name of Jace.. He's the golden boy of the family and my used-to-be best friend. Well, he was my only friend. It was obvious that he would drop me once we hit high school. I . . . Nevermind, back to the original task at hand._

_And finally, there's Max. He's nine, an angel and loves Jace. I think that Max thinks that Jace hung the sun and the stars and moon._

_And there's me. I just float around the house, taking up space. Generally, I cook and clean. My parents are never home and I couldn't care less anymore._

_Is that normal?_

_Does there really come a time when someone just stops caring if their parents are there for them or not?_

_There shouldn't be. _I wonder how he must have felt when he first realized what type of life he led.

_There. A page. That should be enough for today._

I felt a bit of disappointment flood through me when I realized that was all he was going to write. As sad as it may be, I wanted a goodbye.

A bit of acknowledgement.

_Come on, Magnus. He doesn't even know you're there._

_…Thank you for listening to me._

_-Alexander_

If I could have, I would have done a double take.

As it were, I'm stuck in a book and therefore that won't be happening in the foreseeable future.

Either way, I was happy.

~xXxXxXxXx~

_December 4 2012_

_"Strip away the flesh and bone_

_Look beyond the lies you've known_

_Everybody wants to talk about a freak_

_No one wants to dig that deep_

_Let me take you underneath"_

_-Adam Lambert 'Underneath'_

_You know, that always made me think. Why would anyone want to take off their glasses of innocence?_

_The world is such an ugly place. It's filled with cruel people and harsh truths. There are strict and complicated rules that one must follow to be accepted in society._

_So I guess Adam has a point here. No one ever wants to dig too far deep. Not many people want to see what actually goes on in their head - Why would anyone care about what goes on in other peoples lives?_

_There's also this one -_

_"A sullen heart ticking under the ground_

_Taking the weight of which has yet to be found_

_If you can hear me now, why don't you recall?_

_I was the one who cared after all."_

_-Ellie Goulding 'Summit by Skrillex'_

_There are always people out there who take on too much. Too many AP or IB courses, too many after-school activities, too many chores. They have their own problems and then they take on the problems of others._

_And I admire them for it, because that's so kind of them. Why do they care?_

_If it's not happening to them, why do they care? I honestly don't understand._

_I mean, it may just be my opinion, but … Don't they ever get tired? I wonder if they ever crash._

_Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever. Or at least a very long time._

Alec has no idea what a gift he has.. But at the same time, I don't know all of his story... I'm not sure if I only feel intrigue for him or pity or what. I wonder what he looks like.

It would be such a gift to be able to see once more.

Back in the stands, I'd occasionally hear of someone escaping their bounds, or getting the ability to hear the outside world.

I'm not sure how, but I can only wish.

How I wish...

_Thank you._

_-Alexander_

~xXxXxXxXx~

And that's how it went on for a while. Alec wrote about everything and nothing daily. He doodled, and occasionally did his homework in my pages too.

I was reminded of my hate of algebra.

_I hate x. Forever._

It was toward the end of December when it happened. Alec's handwriting was more jerky, the pressure from his pen more pronounced.

_December 23rd 2012_

_They're back and I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate hate hate hate hate hate them._

As far as I could tell, it was still pretty early in the day and the day before Alec seemed happy.

_They randomly come to visit and fight about everything and criticize and put pressure and I wonder if they get that it hurts and it __**does**__ hurt, oh god I can feel it and-_

_What do I do?_

_What …. Can … Is there anyone in this damn world that gives a shit about me?_

With every fiber in my being, I want to write back, 'I do.'

But I can't.

Because what if I scare him away?

Then the only one that ever showed me any affection would be gone.

_Why can't they figure out that I am __**not**__ them and that I am __**not**__ …_

_I'm me. Alexander Lightwood._

_My own person._

_Why can't anyone see that?_

_Why can't anyone see the hurt that follows me around?_

_Why can't anyone see that I feel what they say? I can hear their snide remarks and-_

Alec cut off abruptly with a smear of ink, large drops of water smearing his hurried words.

_Thanks_

_-Me. It's just me, and it'll always be me._

~xXxXxXxXx~

_December 24th 2012_

_Today's Christmas eve. I guess I should be doing family-type things, as my mother and father are actually here this year, but here I am, hiding in my room._

_My greatest sympathies for anyone who has to deal with a family that hates them. It's not a nice feeling._

_Isabelle is out right now - She was invited to some party. Jace has some redhead over, and so Max is pouting that his older brother won't be able to play with him._

_Me? Max only notices I'm not there when he's forced to eat Isabelle's cooking._

_At least I have a weeks break. Maybe I'll do something interesting this week._

_I could go to the national aquarium, or …. Or something along those lines._

_Maybe I could look for a job._

_Something different._

_Maybe Alec isn't depressed. Maybe he's just bored,_ I thought to myself.

_Maybe you need to get your head out of your ass and talk to him,_ snarked a voice in the back of my head.

_Anything, as long as I can avoid my parents and Jace over break._

And so for the next seven or so days, Alexander would document everything he did. He did indeed go to the zoo, and to a few museums. He got a job at a local bookstore, said it was 'quaint at adorable with the most badass art supply store across from it.'

He seemed much more cheerful in his entries, and they slowly grew in length. From a page to two, sometimes even four.

Alec almost seemed... Content. At ease, and it was refreshing.

~xXxXxXxXx~

From what I could understand, it was about Jace. It was a Monday - The first day back to school after their break.

Now, Alec never writes much about his family in here, but he does occasionally mention his siblings. It's clear that he loves all three of them very much, though in my opinion, they're all so mean to him. So _cruel_. I guess they just treat him as some type of...

I don't even know. I was going to say dogs, but I do believe that people treat their dogs better than they do to Alec.

_January 2nd 2013_

_"Feels like I'm having a meltdown_

_It feels like I'm losing control_

_They tell me I'm a danger to myself_

_Now the crazy train is ready to roll, oh!"_

_-Adam Lambert 'Cuckoo'_

_I like those lyrics quite a lot._

_I'm not even sure how it happened. It just did._

_It was history, and like always, we were completely off-topic. Normally our teacher will assign us to read something and complete a worksheet or something._

_Granted, this guy is ancient so you've got to cut him slack._

_Either way, Aline was talking to Jace, blubbering about how only stupid people do drugs (They really have no clue, do they?) and from there it went to the topic of self harm and … I don't know._

_The way they were talking about those people … It made me feel sick on the inside._

_Don't they realize that it's not like they __**want**__ to hurt themselves, it's that they __**have**__ to?_

A sliver of fear runs through me as I make the connection with Alec's words.

_And the only thing I could think …. Well, I wonder what would happen if they figured out that there's more types of self-harm than cutting._

_I mean, once you start all you do is find more ways …_

_Either way, I kind of …. Well, I told Jace off. I stood up and told him to shut up about things he didn't understand, and he just _looked_ at me._

_Why did I open my mouth?_

_Why, oh god why? I know that Jace is bearable at home, but I also know that he becomes the biggest bully once on school grounds._

_All I can really recall is my face getting really hot and he looked at me with a cruel smirk and-_

Here, Alec's careful script becomes choppy and hard to understand, and I really do wish I could meet this Jace person so I could give him a piece of my mind.

They're _brothers_ for fucks sake!

_Brothers_. Why would anyone- Well. I haven't actually read all of it yet, but I can tell already that it's not pretty.

_Alexander is such an innocent person... Even though I haven't met him, I'm here, reading all his thoughts..._

_He asked me something along the lines of, "When are you going to join those pathetic people? Or will you just jump to suicide and save your parents the money of putting you through rehab?"_

_And it hurt._

_Oh, god, how it hurt.. My __**brother**__ telling me that._

_My brother._

_Am I just not good enough for them?_

_Maybe one day I'll show him. I'll prove it to Jace and everyone else that I am worth something …_

_Unlikely, but it's nice to imagine._

_Thank you_

_-Alexander_

After that incident, Alec seemed a bit... Distant. He'd stopped his little drawing in here, and only met the bear minimum of what was needed for his project. It worried me, and my heart wept for him.

His despondent behavior was different. I'd imagine that Alec is the type of person who had eyes that begged for help. I'd think that Alec was the type of person who'd be too scared to open his mouth and ask for said help, though.

But I ached for him. I _hurt_ for this boy. I wonder if things will ever get better for him.

And it should. At least for Alec. Because I do believe that he doesn't deserve this.

Most people don't actually.

But it seems to me that he's somehow managed to remain.. Innocent, in a sense.

Still willing to see the good in people.

_January 12 2013_

_I am so done with everyone. A_

_nd everything._

_I'm so tired. It's as if there's a black hole in my chest that just... It won't go away. No matter what I do, it just will not leave me._

_It stays. It haunts my dreams and my waking hours and I swear to you I am so very tired._

_I don't even know if anyone out there gives a fucking shit about me._

_But you have no idea how much I want to see this world burn. I want to see it in pieces, to see all these cruel people gone._

This last part was scratched out with such force I could feel my pages give a little. Almost immediately, Alec's hand lightened, and the tension was abruptly cut off.

_God. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to tear anything..._

_Why am I even apologizing? You're just a book. You're not someone who can talk to me... Or hold me... Or lie to me... Or tell me that everything will be okay..._

Here, a warm wetness splashed my pages, and I couldn't help but feel as if they were tears.

_I wish you could, though._

_How I wish you could._

This time, Alec didn't leave with his normal thanks and name. It was a simple scribble of his initials, the ink smeared slightly.

_A. L._

He disappeared for the longest time, it seemed like. As if he'd abandoned me, and that I was once again alone in the busy, busy world.

This time, though, I didn't feel lonely.

No. The only emotion I felt was a deep, gnawing worry.

_January 15 2013_

_Today, Isabelle played the most peculiar song …. It … Struck something in me, I guess._

_Something about trying hard, and making it to the top._

_But I know better._

_I've learned not to trust these people. All they do is lie. Lies, all of it._

_They build you up, make you feel like a decent person … And then they shoot you down. They enjoy that, you know?_

_Making you hurt, making you ache._

_Taking away all control from you._

_But the worst part? The worst part is when people like me let them. We let them walk all over us and hurt us and make us want to do anything to get away from that pain._

_January 17 2013_

_I am done._

_So goddamn done._

I could _hear_ his voice in my head, soft and defeated. Sad and worn out, tired. Despondent.

_I'm done with … With everyone, and everything._

_I'd always imagined that I would write some in-depth suicide note for whoever may find what was left._

Here, the pressure seems to grow, almost as if Alec was agitated, or angry or... Something. Like if he wanted to hang on, to have someone to stop him from what he'd already decided on.

_But I'm so tired._

_So … Done._

_So thanks, I guess. For making me hate life and myself._

_But, I honestly do want to thank you. You always listened to me, and well, even though I never gave you much choice it still made me feel good._

_Good grief, I'm talking to a book._

This was scary. I thought I knew scary?

No. This was...

This was terrifying.

Nerve-wracking (Yes, I know I don't _have_ any but that is so not the point.)

_"Suicide note..."_

_So goodbye, I gues-_

Without thinking, I took a leap.

**I'm here. Don't go. Alec, I've always been here to listen to what you've had to say. I'll miss you if you leave-**

The pressure of Alec's hand lightened considerably, suddenly. I'd imagine the shock would be quite large, to have a book talk back to you and all...

_Please tell me that I'm not losing my mind._

At that, I couldn't help but laugh a little.

**No, not at all. Though, I feel like I may. I already know who you are - Alexander Lightwood. I'm Magnus Bane and I live in your notebook.**

**Or rather, I am your notebook.**

**~ * ~  
**_Yep, yep. Chapter one... Yeah. Drop a review, if you'd like?_

_Or not, I guess._

_Thanks for reading!_

_-TheShhTiger_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi again. Um. Yeah. Please forgive the fact that I'm totally mooching off of TMTMFD's formatting style. And the fact that I kind of botched chapter one and don't know how to fix it. I'm trying, I swear!_

_Anyways. Enjoy. :)_

**Disclaimer:** This is a fanfiction. I do not own anything here but the plot. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare and all song lyrics belong to their respective owners.

**WARNING**: This fic contains mentions of suicide, bullying, abuse and various methods of self harm. If this bothers you then please turn back now!

* * *

**...I'm Here**

**.**

_Prompt:_ _Write a story in which the narrator slowly falls in love with the reader._

.

**I'm Here...**

* * *

_January 17 2013 (Continued)_

From there, our conversation kind of... Picked up, a bit.

_You mean to tell me that all of the shit I've put in here, you've read?_

Well. Here comes the guilt.** No! … Well, I mean, yes. But it wasn't like I was spying on you! You write in me and then yeah...**

Smooth, Magnus. The poor kid must have thought that he'd gone insane.

**Back to the point why I opened my mouth (Before you make any type of remark, you know what I mean.) Suicide is bad.**

_Why would you care?_

**Because even though you haven't been aware of my existence until recently, you're a friend to me...**

No one wrote anything for a good few seconds.

**...If that made any sense to you and I somehow managed to not sound creepy, well kudos to both of us.**

_Right. I'm going to go to bed now because I'm not entirely sure I'm sane right now._

**…No killing yourself. I expect answers tomorrow.**

_You_ _expect answers?! You're the one who's-_

There was a blot of ink here, as if Alec had cut himself off (that was probably what had happened, actually.)

_I refuse to argue with my notebook. Good Night_

_-AL_

**…Sweet dreams, Alexander.**

~xXxXxXxXx~

The next day, I was pleasantly surprised to feel that Alec was back. And relieved.

Very, very relieved.

_January 18 2013_

_…Oh my god. There is handwriting in here that is not mine._

At this, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of amusement.

**'S right. That beautiful, flowy, and downright sexy handwriting belongs to me, Darling. Hello again.**

_...I am so losing my mind. No. Because I am awake and... Awake. Why am I dreaming of someone talking back to me in my notebook when I'm awake?_

_Alec. Think. Have you taken any drugs this morning?_

Because that wasn't alarming at all. Oh no. Definitely not.

**Er... Alec, that is so not healthy.**

_I just confessed to you (unknowingly, yes, but still) last night that I wanted to kill myself, and you think I give a shit about my health? I'm laughing here-_

_What'syournameagainsorryIwouldfli pbacktotheolderpageandlookbu titwouldruinthedramaticeffec tIhavegoing-, laughing._

This time, I couldn't help but be absolutely delighted. This boy has spunk.

**My name is Magnus, and by inserting that long explanation as to why you wouldn't look back to get my name kind of ruined the dramatic effect you had going anyways, sooooo... -Insert amused laugh here.-**

_…So. Care to explain why the hell my notebook is talking back to me?_

Er, no. No, not really. That's just a horrible topic to go into... So... The answer... Is... Fuck

**Maybe another day, another time. It's set. A date. Two months from now, I'll tell you. Deal?**

_…Fine. I like how you assume that I'll even be alive come two months._

**...That's such a sad way of looking at life.**

_I'm a sad person._

**...Why are you a sad person, Alexander?** Actually, I already knew the answer to this question, but I just wanted to see him acknowledge the fact that these people he surrounded himself with were unhealthy. Maybe then he'd start distancing himself from them, make new friends.

_Don't mess with me. You know why I'm so … Messed up. For crying out loud, you live in my notebook._

**Alright. Let's get this straight. I am not in your notebook. I am your notebook.**

_How on earth did that even happen, I mean- Oh shit. Sorrythanks-_

The rest of his handwriting was too smudged and cramped for me to make out what he'd written, almost as if he was in a rush.

And he didn't open my pages again.

I wasn't sure if I was confused or mad.

More confused, I think.

Either way, I... Well.

I don't know. Don't ask me.

_January 18 2013 -Later-_

_I'm sorry! I had to go, I was late for school and Jace needed a ride and he was getting angry and-_

Oh hell no. He was not going to sit there and write to me about how much Jace 'needed' him.

**Fuck. No. Jace can walk. You know what? He should walk.**

_He's my half-brother, Magnus._ I could feel his dry amusement just... Mocking me.

**Your half brother who wants you to kill yourself does not sound like a good half brother to me, my friend. In fact, I say you just... Let him try to survive one week without you and see what happens. His world would fucking end.**

_You can't know that. You don't even know me. For all I know, I could be going insane and writing to myself while switching my handwriting (That is really nice handwriting. Alec, I must applaud you, this is simply stunning- Stop, Aelc. Stop.) and yeah. So yeah._

**… Are you really going to say 'So yeah' as your argument against me? Alec, I've seen your notes in here. You're a smart kid. Use your stunning intelligence to woo me!**

_I refuse to try and woo my subconscious._

**Oh for crying out loud! I am not your subconscious! I am Magnus Bane, the sexiest notebook you shall ever find**.

**Ever**.

_Why the hell did I come up with the name Magnus Bane? Nothing a bit more normal?_

**Hey-**

_Jeeze, I'm just teasing, Magnus. Calm down. -insert smiley face here.-_

_Right._

_I have to go back to finding whatever the hell I'm supposed to be finding._

**...Have fun...?**

_No. Math will never be fun. Ever. In fact, I should just do the rest of my notes in here just to prove to you how painful this class is._

**No. No, that's alright. Don't fancy numbers and stuff in my beautiful, sexy, smooth pages.**

_...Just for that sentence, I'm putting the rest of my calc notes in here. Forever. Because I was kidding._

**Is this what confidence gives you nowadays? Because it's so not worth it. Nope. Never opening my mouth again.**

It was quite fun, talking to Alec. I used to think about what it would be like to converse with him - It was never as fun and exciting as _actually_ doing it, though.

_Well, you can't really talk so that's a null point, Magnus._

**…I resent that, darling.**

_I'm telling the honest truth! You're just words appearing on the page, responding to what I put on paper._

That actually kind of hurt. A bit.

The fact that all I would ever be to Alec is words on a page, that hurt.

Was it wrong of me to dream for more?

I mean, how fair is it that I'm... Well, a _book_.

_Stupid, Magnus. Stupid._

~xXxXxXxXx~

And from there, we fell into a comfortable pattern.

Alec would start by writing something random, ignoring me. And then I would respond to what he'd put down, such as a doodle or his homework. From there, we would go back in forth, but Alec was never as comfortable as he'd used to be.

He never put his thoughts down on page like he'd used to. I could feel the long pauses in between our banter, as if he was strategizing and making sure to never reveal too much.

It hurt. A lot.

And I hated myself for it.

I basically ripped Alec's only way of venting his hurt away.

_I_ was the one that Alec could trust in and I took that away.

At the same time, I couldn't bring myself to completely feel bad.

Even now, when I'm bored out of my mind and want something to look at, I avoid that one entry.

Smeared ink and crinkled pages from tears and then those hurried words... _'...Suicide note...'_

No, I don't feel entirely bad.

~xXxXxXxXx~

_January 22 2013_

_Hey, Magnus?_

If I had a heart, it would have stopped beating._ Was Alec really talking to me without me starting the conversation?_

**Yes, Alec?**

_…This may sound stupid, but … Have you ever just been … Really lonely? I mean, so lonely that you want to just curl up and stop existing. Not that lonely that comes because everyone's stopped talking for three seconds and the quiet bothers you._

I knew what he was talking about.

Of course I did.

All the time spent sitting on the shelf, watching everyone else get picked and listening to their cries of joy when they were picked, while I sat there, waiting.

Yes, I knew what Alec was talking about.

**Yes, I do. Quite well, actually. Why do you ask?**

_Why did you feel lonely, though? Wouldn't you be used to it, seeing as how you're a notebook and all? Wouldn't your life just be … Uneventful?_

**You have no idea how long I sat there on the shelf waiting for someone to take me home.**

_And then, why do you think people are so cruel? I mean, just because someone's a bit different, does that make it automatic for everyone else to go out of their way to tear them down?_

I knew then that something else was bothering Alec. (Well, no shit, Magnus. Really?) The only thing was, I wasn't exactly sure how to go around and ask him.

**…Alec? What happened?**

_I don't really even know. It was all in a haze, mostly. I mean, I never expected Jace to join everyone else when they decided to gang up on me._

_Actually, I'd hoped that he would stick up for me._

_Stupid, right?_

One drop of water hit the lower part of the page, and a warm hand smudged it away, smearing ink in the process.

_And all I can recall is how when we were in elementary school, and he was still fitting in, I went out of my way to make sure he was okay._

_And he was so nice to be around, so much fun and all the chaos we caused together…_

_Is it so wrong of me to wish that he still cared for me like a brother?_

_Yes, I had a crush on him._

_It was a short period of time, and it was stupid, and I have no idea how on earth Jace found out but for god's sake it was years ago and-_

He paused, but the tip of the pen was still held against my paper, and I could feel his anguish and more than anything I just wanted to take it away.

_And it's stupid. Why do any of us really care? In a year (Maybe. Perhaps. If I'm still breathing.) or so, I'll be off in college, leaving Jace and Isabelle and adorable little Max behind._

Another pause, Alec didn't exactly pull away. His pen was still on paper, as if he was carefully considering what he was going to reveal to me and how much he was going to give up.

_…I feel like that may kill them, actually._

**Well. If Isabelle's cooking is as bad as you say it is, then it might. But take-out never hurt anyone.**

_What. Magnus, how do you know about take-out? You're a notebook._

**I am a notebook that pays attention to what you put in here, and not too long ago you were saying how you would prefer Thai take-out from the 'shitty hole-in-a-wall' than your sisters cooking.**

_…Yeah. Forgot about that..._

What he did next completely melted my little paper heart. Little by little, stroke by stroke, Alec replicated a little teddy-bear with the most adorable eyes ever, the words 'I'm sorry,' looking up at me.

**…For?**

_For being stupid._

**Don't tell me that's really why you spent about ten minutes (What I assume is ten minutes anyhow) of your life drawing the cutest teddy bear ever.**

_Fine. I felt like drawing a teddy-bear. So?_

Happiness at the small admittance flew through me. Sure, it was a small thing, but Alec was deciding to trust me with something. (Before doesn't really count, since he had no idea I was there...)

**Nothing, Alec. Nothing at all.**

_Anyhow, I have to go. School work beckons._

_Thank you, Magnus._

_-Alec_

And then careful hands shut my pages, gently setting me back into his bag (I assume, since it's quite cramped. Compared to other times of the day, anyways.), carefully checking to make sure nothing was bending my cover the wrong way, or nothing scratched at my leather.

_He's so kind, so caring._

_Why would anyone pick him to bully?_

_Why Alec?_

This, I could not wrap my thoughts around.

_Okay. I think I maybe fixed it this time. I think?_

_I don't even know anymore._

_Thanks for reading! :)_


	3. Chapter 3

_Ha! I got it! *cheers* Anyways. Thanks so much for being patient and everything and whatnot. I apologize for any errors that may be in here... And I'm going to apologize for how OOC Jace is but I thought that was kind of a given at this point. A round of applause (and a standing ovation) to TMTMFD because I'm pretty sure I just asked the stupidest questions ever and she didn't even yell at me. So yeah. _

_Enjoy~_

* * *

**Disclaimer:** This is a fanfiction. I do not own anything here but the plot. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare and all song lyrics belong to their respective owners.

**WARNING**: This fic contains mentions of suicide, bullying, abuse and various methods of self harm. If this bothers you then please turn back now!

* * *

Playlist-

Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding

It's Time - Some Remix I don't know who it's by... (Imagine Dragons)

You Found Me - The Fray

I Feel Pretty/Unpretty - Glee Version

Sobri 2 - Amine & Leslie

Fucking Die - Skrillex, Coopers Remix

Dearly Beloved - Kingdom Hearts (Don't know the composer sorry)

Saltwater Room - Owl City

No Sleep - Shakles (Savant Remix)

* * *

**...I'm Here**

**_._**

_Write a story in which the narrator slowly falls in love with the reader._

**_._**

**I'm Here...**

* * *

I do believe I've mentioned how Alec's hands are distinctive.

Careful, kind.

These hands?

They were large, harsh, _angry_.

And, well. They were flipping through my pages.

Now, I'm not sure if I've ever explained this to you, but occasionally (totally random occasions, too) I can hear snippets of sound.

Like in the stands, we could hear the muted voices of people surrounding us, and the horns of what I believe to be cars wailing in the background. In Alec's house, it was quiet. Not once have I ever heard anything from them, other than the sobs of Alec, back at the very beginning. During his school hours, there's always a loud screeching bell and people making themselves known.

What I heard now?

Cruel laughter and mocking words and then that name.

The dreaded, hated name. The one that I've pinned as the source of most of Alec's problems.

_Jace._

"Jace... He's so... Pathetic... Really... Related?" I could hear only snatches of what they said, muffled words, but I could still make out what they were saying.

I could hear it, with that jeering voice. _Jace, he's so damn pathetic. Are you two really related?_

And then I heard it.

A laugh.

Loud, booming laugh, a rich voice responding. "Foster... I... Isn't... Sad?"

And from what Alec had put here about his, I could easily guess as to how the 'brother' had responded. _No, of course not. He's only my foster brother. And I know, isn't it sad?_

This boy.

I hate him.

And more than anything, I want to tell him that. I want to write back hateful words, tell him how much he's hurt Alec, how much of Alec's energy is put into them and how all Jace does is throw it back in his face.

_Alexander loves you so damn much and all you do is crush him._

_Over and over again._

_What kind of monster are you?_

But I don't. I don't say anything, don't make any of these opinions known.

Because I can't risk that, and so far, they've done no harm... Not in here, anyways.

"Oh, look." Sharp, mocking voice. "Someone else's handwriting in here. Alec's got a boyfriend? Found another fag like him, I suppose."

"Who... Magnus?"

_But they'll never find me here._

And then the real torment started.

The flipped to the next empty page, and put the tip of their writing utensil to my paper.

And then started writing.

And with every word, my heart broke a little bit more.

Fag.

Stop.

I hope you fucking kill yourself

You have no right.

Choke on a dick

What makes you feel like you can go in and do this to someone?

Burn in hell

Get out of here.

Pull that dick out of your ass

You're probably covered in disease

Slut

No one wants you here

Had a crush on your brother, did you now? Disgusting faggot

They were relentless. Neverending, cruel, disgusting.

I didn't want Alec to see this.

Go kill yourself and save everyone the pain of being around you

And then someone with decent handwriting put their thoughts in here.

**_You disgusting queer is what you are. You should save your parents the pain of knowing that they raised a monster like you and kill yourself._**

And I knew who this was. Of course I did.

**_Jace_**

**_P.S. I never needed your help, never wanted your help. you were just so stupid and i took pity on you... well. Nothing changed._**

**_Never cared for you._**

**_You were just that stupid boy who didn't know when to give up._**

**_Ugly fucking bitch._**

If I could, I would have cried. Sobbed my heart out, letting all this rage and pain free.

Because Alec... He was so sad and so tired and anyone with a brain could tell... Should have been able to tell, anyhow.

But it was obvious, now.

So damn clear.

Alec loved everyone, and all he ever got in return was hate.

And one day, they'll realize how special Alec is.

But when that time comes, I can't help but feel like they'll be too late.

~xXxXxXxXx~

_January 23 2013_

_That …._

_That's Jace's handwriting._

Immediately, I braced for some type of explosions, some type of reaction filled with anger and vehemence.

But I should have known by now, that Alec's not like that.

_He … His friends …. They read this?_

_Of course nothing is sacred to them._

There were no tears.

**Ignore what they say, Darling. You're so much better than the-**

_Stop lying. Please, Magnus. You're my friend, no?_

_Friends don't lie.._

More than anything, that hurt the most, I think. To see that he'd given up.

That all these insults have just... Killed him, in a sense.

**Exactly. And I'm not lying.**

A pause, and then slight pressure on that line of text, like if he was running a finger over it.

Still no tears.

Nothing.

Then, hesitantly, he pressed his pen back to paper, the words slightly shaky, whether from pain or gratitude, I wasn't sure.

_You know, Magnus. You're the only one who's ever said that to me._

_Everyone else had something entirely different to say._

_So forgive me if I don't exactly believe you._

**Fine. You don't have to believe what I say.**

**Just remember that someone out there does think that you're amazing, alright?**

Finally, one drop of water hit the pages. Then another, and I was relieved.

_I'm sorry. I do cry often when I'm writing. They crinkle up your pages and ruin your paper._

_You're the only one who listens to me. The only one who thinks I matter. You have no idea how thankful I am to you for that._

Before I could begin to formulate a response, Alec quickly wrote his ending, then closed me shut.

_Alec._

~xXxXxXxXx~

Alec started off this entry with a drawing.

First came the outline, then he slowly and carefully went into detail, starting with one part and finishing it completely before moving on to the rest, and so I watched, completely fascinated, as the beginnings of a face appeared, feminine and adorable.

Dark eyes peered back at me, a small innocent smile lighting up the girls face, chubby hands reaching for the person gazing down at the drawing. A flower clip held bangs back, striped tank-top and jean shorts. It was almost a magical thing to see, all the lines and strokes of his pencil create such an image on the page. It was almost as if I could see again, in a strange sense. On the very top of her head, in Alec's loopy writing read the name Isabelle.

And the cycle started again. This time, the build was slightly taller, not a hint of baby-fat found on the body, face lacking a grin, more serious, with the hint of a smile lurking in his eyes. One arm was draped over the girl's shoulders, as if protecting her. Dark hair covered his forehead and trailed down his neck. Plain jeans and a long-tee shirt is what he wore, with scuffed sneakers and slender hands clenched slightly. 'Me' is what labled this boy.

_That's how Alec... Used to look like._

_So serious, solemn._

This time, the outline started slightly behind the boy and girl, only a bit taller than the dark-haired boy. Cocky smile, lighter hair, tan skin. He stood a distance apart from the other two, and I couldn't help but feel like this would be someone who grew up to cause trouble.

Lots and lots of trouble.

A polo and jeans, with flip-flops and some type of electronic device hung from his fingers.

_'Jace'_

Still, I didn't comment, not wanting to break his streak.

The fourth outline was by far the shortest, and the happiest of the bunch. A smile that still had gaps from teeth that had yet to grow in, wavy hair that fell over a chubby face. Bright eyes filled with joy, hands grasping to hold another. Glasses were perched on his small nose, and I couldn't help but think that there was a startling resemblance between this boy and the other dark-haired one. 'Max', was written across a glasses frame, small and written with care.

Finally, at the very bottom of the drawing, next to Alec's signature, read 'Year 2007'.

_Me- 11, Jace 10, Isabelle- 11, Max - 3._

He then turned to the next page, starting out with his usual opening.

_January 24 2013_

_I wonder what I'm supposed to write about in here today._

_Nothing interesting going on here._

_Just at work, and no one's coming in, so._

**Is this your way of saying that you would like to talk to me?**

_Well …. Yes. If you don't mind, of course. I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother and-_

**Alexander, stop. Honestly, I enjoy talking to you. Only light in my life and all that.**

_Jokes like that aren't funny, Magnus._

Who said it was a joke?

**Sorry, Darling.**

_Ah well. Would you like to have a contest of sorts?_

**… I am a notebook, mind you. I can't exactly do much.**

_Well, I'd imagine that you're able to draw, since you can talk and such..?_

**I can. Well. 'Can' is a relative term. I can draw stick figures. They normally have oval faces, though.**

_That's fine! We can still have fun._

**If you say so...**

And we did. Well, I did. I hope he did.

_Magnus, what the hell is that?_

**That, Alec dear, is a stick-person eating a popsicle.**

_… That looks like a lollipop that was run over by a car and merged with a rock-thing._

**Hey! Hey, I resent that. No. See! Look, that's its face, and there's its... Wait, what happened to it's legs?**

_It had legs?_

**Ah! Yes, I see it now. Those two little pegs.**

_You've got to be kidding, Magnus._

**Er... Only a little bit.**

_They look like … Not-legs._

**No, no. What if... I did... This?**

I extended the two 'legs', making it so that they equaled the length of the body/torso part.

_Magnus!_

**Yes? I think this is quite the improvement.**

_…. Give him four legs, so he'll resemble a mutated giraffe._

~xXxXxXxXx~

He picked my papery ass.

We had a drawing contest.

So yeah, that was kind of a given, though I must say, I think that my stick-figures were beautiful.

~xXxXxXxXx~

As time went on, Alec started trusting in me more, and that in turn, made my heart soar.

I mean, really.

Alexander Lightwood has to be the best thing that could ever happen to... Anyone. And I hate that so many people can't see that.

~xXxXxXxXx~

He even painted me a cover. Alec had asked me if I cared if he messed with my cover - Of course I didn't.

He could throw me in a fire, and I don't think I'd mind, because he'd be the one who wished it to happen.

Alec drew a rough sketch in here, and it was beautiful.

My name was all flowy and gorgeous and he spent so much time on it.

Paint is a weird sensation. Cold and wet and yet not slimey.

He used bright colors, he said.

With flowers and swirls, and his name at the very bottom, with mine in the center.

I asked him why, and he responded with, "You are this notebook, Magnus. I write in you, sure, but I don't... Own you. You're your own person... Er... Well, notebook. But you get the point."

I think if I was human, we'd be the best of friends.

And I would beat Jace's ass.

_February 4 2013_

_Magnus, I hate this._

_I hate everything._

_Please, just … Let me rant?_

When I didn't answer, he continued, his handwriting as shaky as the day when he professed his desire to kill himself.

_I wish you were real._

_That I could hug you, and know what you look like._

_I wish that you could hold me and tell me that everything will be alright._

_You're like … One of those internet friends, for example._

_You're always there for me._

_But then …. What happens when that ends?_

_Because everything must end, whether you wish it to or not._

_And I can feel it, in my chest. This big hole that just eats away at who I am, and I can't-_

_I don't know who I am, Magnus._

_I look in the mirror, and I see a stranger. Someone with tired eyes and a broken face and a worn-down air clinging to them and what happened to me?_

_I see someone who cuts, who burns, who does anything to get rid of this emptiness.._

_And it won't go away._

_It doesn't leave, Magnus._

_It never leaves. It just stays, and kills you and makes you want to rip your heart out and just end it because that would be so much easier and I'm sure in hell people are too busy concerned about themselves and wouldn't be sitting there, judging you and making you feel like shit because you're goddamn different._

_And then there's the whole thing with 'addiction' and you know what?_

_They can go take all their 'advice' and shove it up their ass, because they have no idea what they're talking about._

_And … Suicide doesn't sound like a bad idea, not anymore._

_Not as scary._

_If Max doesn't get to live, then why do I?_  
_What gives me that right?_

_And everyone blames me, I know it._

_He was my responsibility, and I failed him._

_I fucking failed._

_He- He just wanted his paper and it flew across the street and I took my eyes away for one second and then he was gone._

_Right in front of my eyes, he was taken._

_The car that hit him was a small one, but it was at full speed and Max just- All the blood and his screams and he cried for Jace and those last words …_

_I don't-_

_I can't-_

_Does this make me a monster?_

_Not once, have I cried. I don't feel it, I've distanced myself._

_Everyone's sobbing and crying and mourning and I … I'm doing my homework, my extra credit work, everything._

_Max …. He wanted everyone but me._

_Mom, Dad. Isabelle, Jace._

_Even Clary._

_But not once, did he cry for me._

_I-_

_Magnus, help me. Please, help me._

This entire time, my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and the only thing I could do was read in absolute agony as he poured his heart out and I was so out of my element here and I didn't know what to do.

At the same time, I kind of did.

**Alec, you're not a monster, and you're not disgusting or any of those adjectives you love to use to put yourself down.**

**And you're just coping in a different way.**

**It doesn't make you any less human, or any less good, alright?**

**_Okay …. Alright …._**

_Thank you, Magnus._

_Thank you._

_-Alec_

What he did next absolutely broke my heart, and it was then I realized that I wanted to be a human so damn badly, just to give him a hug, just to let him know that I was there for him.

Taking his time, he slowly sketched out a portrait of the assumed boy, Max. Underneath, read the the numbers, 2005 - 2013.

He then went back into the journal, finding that older drawing, and carefully shaded in the boy, making him darker, more muted, than everyone else.

_Failure,_ is what read above the more recent portrait.

_This is what happens when you fail, Alexander._

_Don't forget._

* * *

_Hi again!_

_I just have a quick question - For the story on how Magnus became a notebook - Should I add it as a bonus chapter, or would you like me to post it separately? Do you guys even want it? I dunno._

_That's all._

_Thanks for reading!  
-TheShhTiger_


End file.
